Couples | Attachment Styles

Ever wonder why your blissful relationship has turned a corner? Who would have thought the warm, nurturing, present, passionate chapter would begin to unearth or shift. Do you both feel conversations are now circular and heavy? Well, incredibly enough, if you want to rekindle that connection, it may be about understanding YOU and you guessed it, your attachment style.
 
Here is a resource page on tidbits on how to understand one another, some amazing books and online segments that will get you turned around in the right direction!  
 
Based on these characteristics ,what best describes you? What best describes your partner?

The Wave (attachment style):
 
Child: Anxious. Unpredictable. High Arousal.

Parent: Unpredictable, Emotionally Inconsistent, Closeness to Disengagement (ex. parent alienation as a result of drinking, rage, divorce, etc). 

Typically children of parents who struggled with addiction or mental health issue.

Adult Child in a Relationship: Fear Abandonment above all else. May present as "too needy" in relationships (co-dependent) or require constant validation especially after a fight. Ironically, this type of attachment (co-dependent)
chooses islands in relationships.  

The Island (attachment style): 

Child: Feeling Unsafe Emotionally. Shamed or Punished for showing emotions.  
 
Parents: Stresses performance or perfections, intelligence, talents & appearances "looking in" or to others.
 
Discouraging any dependence from the child or emotional distance (using gifts, money, physical things versus emotional connection).   

One parent may have been overbearing.

Adult Child in a Relationship: Relationships lead to stress (threat), require space, space protects them to avoid hurt or disappointment, without space feeling "trapped" or "controlled".
 
Waves & Islands: 

Islands in a relationship need "space" *for safety/survival (to regulate)while waves need "closeness" and "togetherness" to self-regulate.
 
The outcome usually leaves the couple feeling hurt, not validated, leading to misunderstandings and conflicts, hence the circlular motion of communication.  
 
Great news.....despite attachment styles, couples can form a healthy, secure, attachment!   

Call to discuss more in a session! 

Hilary's book list for couples: 
 
Author: Dr. Stan Tatkin, Author & Founder of PACT  

Wired for Love
Wired for Dating
Wired for Marriage
We Do
Relationship Rx
Your Brain on Love 

Link to Stan Tatkin Videos: 

Relationships are Hard, But Why? 

Author: John Gottman

The 5 Love Languages.
The 7 Principles to Making Marriage Work. 
Eight Dates for a Lifetime of Love (Co-Authored by Julie Scwartz Gottman).
The Relationship Cure.